It’s definitely one of those weekends where the weather got suddenly rainy and cold and it’s all I can do to keep from staying in bed all day. I finally felt the overwhelming impulse to write again - it’s hard when the majority of my time is spent feeling anxious about producing papers and thesis work. Blogging has moved from the backburner to the tupperware in the fridge, and that’s just the way it’s going to be for a few months. The occasional post is my way of making sure the remains of this site doesn’t spoil.

I canceled three individual sets of plans in the last week; plans that I had initiated making with people that I thought I could catch up with; plans that I backed out of because I didn’t have time because I was trying to write a thesis chapter and had deadlines to deal with….plans with men.

Ok let’s recap. The last time I intentionally spent time with a man in any capacity was in November. He was/is a good friend and we hadn’t seen each other in a long time. We grabbed coffee and what I thought would be a superficial play by play of our lives turned out to be a very wonderful conversation that allowed me to share my anxieties about my last year in college. He was a great listener, we had worked very closely together for a year, and he really heard me. Furthermore, I was able to listen to him speak about his own life, where he was at, and feel comforted by the level of openness we had silently committed to that evening. I’m a sucker for good conversation and could write extensively about it - right now, let us just say that good conversation is truly a few and far between aspect of my life these days. Is this the nature of being around very busy people? Of not truly wanting to open up to everyone I see? Or maybe it’s just a rare thing, and that’s why it’s so wonderful when it happens. Thinking back, I want to believe that every conversation I’d ever had was amazing; I doubt that’s true. I think with some people, family, certain friends who connect with you, it’s possible to replicate good conversation because it just clicks. Something in the air. Something in ourselves, as well.

Tangent aside, it was a great conversation, and yes, of course part of the reason why is because it was a rare occasion where I found myself able to be frank with a man about how I was doing, because I was comfortable.

I don’t really want to get in to why I have such few male friends; regular readers can probably guess, and for those of you who have stumbled across this post, let’s boil it down to bad relationships, the insecurities that were created out of them, and a genuine and strategic desire to spend time building a network of friends who are women of color. This last bit makes me want to clarify that 99% of me has absolutely no regrets about the way I have prioritized getting to know people.

But that isn’t what this post is about. It isn’t really about any of that. It’s about the fact that I haven’t had a good conversation with a man in a long time, but then I committed to swimming back to this island and working through some of issues that keep me from simply picking up the phone and calling someone who I’ve been friends with for a year and want to see.

But I finally did that last week. I made plans to catch up. And then the day before, I emailed to cancel. Thesis chapter, I said. No time.

Two days before I backed out of going to this lecture with this guy that is a really good guy and under other circumstances, I think we could have become great friends. Thesis chapter, I said. No time.

Four days before that I canceled lunch with this same person.

I initiated all of these plans - I took a deep breath and made them all, and then one by one, I canceled them. Shuffled away, and it didn’t really hit me that having work was not the problem until recently. Lord knows I’ve made plenty of plans while being swamped in work. I couldn’t do it.

I couldn’t allow myself to feel close to a man in any capacity - one a once-close friend and one a possible new one.

What’s the big deal, right? It’s just lunch, it’s just catching up. I know everyone’s thinking it. But it is definitely a big deal. I think that’s just what happens when you’ve experienced such closeness to friend after friend and they eventually just walk away or you wake up and realize that their attempts to make you a better person or a better partner are actually just verbal attacks on your well-being.

The difference between me now and me a year ago though, is that even though I recognize this, I want to work through it. I can’t keep letting these demons follow me around forever, not about something like this.

But it’s so hard because I’m at a loss of what to do and I think a part of me childishly just wants to write it off as, well I’m a busy person and I don’t want to take initiative on anything that has to do with men. Why should I after all; shouldn’t they take some initiative? When was the last time I knew a male peer to have to schedule plans? All the women I know are so swamped in extracurriculars and running organizations and working that it’s all we can do to plan a weekly meal. So when I meet someone who has no real schedule, why shouldn’t I expect them to take the two steps forward?

There’s a lot to be said about vulnerability and intimacy and trust, but this post is long enough, and I haven’t quite figured out what to say about it, and it would also require a long prequel about the gender-based attitudes placed on women regarding these issues.