I do own one - a flat iron, I mean. I’ve had one for a while, but then when I first cut off most of my hair, the instrument was placed in the garage. Then over Thanksgiving, I went to the garage with the particular desire to find it. And now it is sitting on my dresser. And it’s kept my hair straight for the last two weeks.

If you have read my previous posts on hair, or if you know me at all, this would appear to be a warning sign of some kind - of a loss of politics, maybe some kind of experiment. After all, I’ve never spent much time on my hair; the main reason I’ve chosen to leave it long is so I can throw it back into a ponytail on the way to class (I really dislike when women who are sitting next to me pick at their untied, unwashed hair in class - then it sheds on my desk and I want to scream, “Take a shower!”).

I brought back the flat iron nearly a month after the sweater came along. The sweater, as my friends will clarify as they read this, is not actually a sweater. It’s this blue zip-up hoodie that I brought back with me after a quick trip to visit my parents in October. It came from my mother’s closet - she had bought it but it wasn’t really something she was wearing often and I initially put it on because home is a bit chilly and because I love when clothes smell like that familiar mom smell.

I wear it all the time, ever since I got back to this place. I’ve developed a reasonable collection of sweaters and jackets, it isn’t that. I’m actually someone - clothes that make me feel put together. But then the sweater came along and nothing feels as safe and warm. And you know what else? It doesn’t make me feel frumpy or tired or ugly. It makes me feel comfortable. I really love this sweater. I want to wear it to bed and I want it to perpetually remain clean so that I don’t ever have to wash it.

The question then is, when will I be able to go out again in something other than this sweater and not think about it sitting in all its warmth and comfort on my couch? Issues with body image - do they ever go away? It isn’t just weight issues. It’s that feeling of wanting to put my hands on my body when I’m looking in the mirror and hope that they rub away the things I cringe to look at. It’s when I want to cut off my hair over the bathroom sink because it worries me that the long hair is making me too weak (read: too feminine). It’s when I’m standing in front of the closet thinking how ridiculous it sounds to not want to go outside because I just feel ugly in everything.

(When am I going to start to love, really love, my bumps and scars and shape?)

Back to the flat iron - I’ve been straightening my hair because when you’re struggling to get work done, struggling to get out of bed, to not cry in class, to hear people talk at you day in and day out without asking ask how you are doing, you just want to glance in the mirror and say, “Hey, at least one part of me isn’t sub-par.”

Does it make me feel ugly and unkempt to walk outside with my big irregularly curly wavy natural hair? It really doesn’t. I don’t necessarily feel prettier with straight hair. I just feel like with straight hair, I can get away with wearing the same frumpy sweater everyday; I can get away with having the perpetual scowl on my face.

It has been a long and difficult semester. And I am constantly conflicted by desires to graduate and leave and the fear of not knowing what comes after that. And it has been a challenging time because I feel very shattered, in some way. I’ve spent a great deal with wonderful friends who are loving and supportive and I hear about what’s going on in their lives, and I think to myself, “I have no idea what to say to you because that’s simply not where I’m at right now. Right now I’m in a place where I have to deal with things on my own and I have to figure out my insecurities about myself and my body and future”

This is where I should be talking about the island metaphor, but it is too important and I am working on a separate post for it altogether. But trust me, it is good.