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Most people that know me personally know what an introvert I am. I am the kind of person who needs to spend time on her own in order to regain energy and sanity. In order to feel rested, I need time to be completely alone, preferably in a space that I consider my own in some way. I like to watch television or listen to music or sometimes just take a nap.

Introvertedness for me has a significant amount of privilege tied to it - I am an only child and have never been required to be around many people - it was just my parents and grandparents growing up, no extended family. As an only child, I grew very comfortable being by myself. This is something I thought was true for all only children, but recently I discovered that I have friends who are only children and resent this. I used to be described as a child that was great at “amusing herself”. It’s interesting when we find ourselves continuing to maintain the traits we had when we were young - even more interesting when we shed the traits we were pigeon-holed into  as youngsters.

I went through a period where I tried very hard not to be an introvert, associating it with shyness. I was often described as shy and continue to describe myself as shy. But shyness isn’t the same thing as introvertedness, I’ve found. What appears to be shyness is either insecurity or simply an exhaustion that has emerged because I have been around people too much.

I also find myself drawn to other introverts, probably because they understand why I turn down invitations to plans in order to spend the evening alone, reading a book or writing or lying in bed with my eyes closed listening to music that makes me nostalgic.

It’s still difficult for me to imagine becoming energized by being around other people.

I think mainstream society in the United States praises extrovertedness, often associating it with ambition, sociability, outspokenness, and popularity. I think it paints introverts as people who are lacking in someway. Another reason why performance is so important - appearing to be somehow “naturally” extroverted.

What a random post, eh? But that’s how it goes. I’ve been doing some reading on the first woman President of India. It’s quite exciting, and I’m still jotting down how I feel about it. You know. Besides “excited”.

I’ve spent the last two weeks in a haze of semi-panic. It put me on pause with my blog, it put me on a track where it was all I could do to get some work done and try to sleep for 4 of the 8 hours I was in bed. These things happen. The proverbial pity party is over.

I took a wonderful trip to Santa Barbara to visit a friend, my best friend in fact, who is just settling into her life in graduate school. It was a wonderful trip that made me arrive back to work with full-fledged pro-activity. So here are a few things that I am thinking about.

1. I got intimidated by the pressure to write serious posts all the time about important and serious issues that directly relate to race and gender. This is a problem because it means I never write. So I’m going to try harder to follow my instincts with my writing as I did when this blog first began, and write about things that I genuinely am thinking about - my life after graduation, my family, my insecurities, articles and issues that infuriate me, and books that I’m reading.

2. I am going to graduate school, but it will not be for at least a year after I graduate. And it might be two years. And in those years I am going to do other things that I think I might like. I’m reading lots of websites and books (and am always appreciative of suggestions) about whether pursuing a career in academia (in English..postcolonial lit/victorian lit/food studies/womens studies) is worth it. Also lots of books about other jobs I might be interested in. Turns out, I don’t think I would like to be a newspaper reporter. But I think I might like editing. Or working for a progressive or some liberal publication.

3. I am going through a period right now where I am extremely insecure about my body, my weight, and am struggling to prioritize my health (eating, exercise) at all, let alone first. This is a hard thing to do. It is also an entirely separate post.

4. I’m reading this book by this guy, Robert Sutton, called The No Asshole Rule: Building a Civilized Workplace and Surviving One That Isn’t; I am not even halfway through it, but it is interesting because it is exactly what the title suggests.

5. I really like academics. And learning. It’s a really overwhelmingly privileged position to be in and I think everyday I’m figuring out the best ways to use these privileges in a way that is beneficial and empowering for myself and others around me.

6. My parents are really really amazing people - they are the most important people in my life. I’m really proud of them.

I know the waves of insecurity and panic and fear and inadequacy will continue on and on, and instead of letting those waves topple me over into the sand, I have to learn to hop a little right before the wave hits.

need to read something like the following:

as soon as we thought of marrying, our first few conversations included gender politics. included domestic violence. included cheating in marriages, and our views on divorce. we have both resolved to test for hiv before getting married. “romantic”? no. but sure as hell reassuring, and realistic.

we’ve worked our way through several issues to keep our wedding as in line with our politics as possible. we’ve had long talks about what rituals we’ll have, how we’ll organise our house, our personal comfort levels in conforming to gender dictates - and those talks haven’t just been between us, we’ve obviously had to talk to everyone else involved. a lot of hard work, but well worth the investment

The whole post can be found here at Scribble Pad.

I’ve waited a while to read something like this, and in the midst of dealing with many appearance/future related demons in the last month (which I am just beginning to write about - and blog about), this was what I needed to put a tear in my eye and reignite my faith in what m. so rightly describes as the “happily and political ever after”.