Monthly Archive

Well I’m settling into classes and all of that so it’s time to write about something (no, unfortunately not India this time - the posts will begin soon - it’s still too personal to reveal without some serious emotional drainage) that has been on my mind a lot in the last few days.

My friend Sarah said something along the lines of this the other day:

“It’s taken me 21 years to get to a point where I know that the things I say are smart. That I am smart. There isn’t going to be anything I say in class or wherever that is completely stupid. I know what I’m saying. So I’m going to say it.”

Many if not most women of color I know undermine their intelligence. Not out loud or very explicitly but there it is. I am one of these women. I sit in a literature class or history class, sometimes even a gender studies class, with something to say formulating in my mouth even before I sit down. And then as quickly as I’ve formulated the thought, doubt slips in,

“I’m probably wrong. I don’t know what anybody in the class is talking about. What I have to say is probably not related. I feel stupid. I am stupid. What am I doing here? I don’t belong here. People are going to look at me and will be able to tell that I don’t belong here. I’m forgetting what I wanted to say. I’ll probably jumble all my words if I open my mouth…”

I become intimidated by professors, white men, white women, vocabulary. And this is something that hasn’t, until recently, gotten better over time. In fact quite the opposite. I have become more introverted and terrified in academic spaces as each semester passes (with the exception of gender studies classes - those classes have tended to be my ’soap box’ classes, where I rant, aggravate, educate, and occasionally storm out).

Until recently. Something happened (hm, I guess this is a bit of an India post) in becoming further absorbed in the concept of “doing one’s work”. And that is not wasting one’s voice. This means staying quiet when it is necessary to stay quiet. And speaking up when there are things to say. Because nothing at this educational institution should encourage me to maintain silence and convince myself that I have nothing valuable to say.

I made a goal for myself last semester, after being reprimanded by a professor for not “participating in class”, to speak up in every class, at least once. It was so difficult - I’m almost ashamed to admit it. But finally it becomes easier more possible every day.

It hasn’t fully settled into my head that I am intelligent enough to speak up without hesitation - I don’t think that will change for a long time. But it is about remembering everytime that I have the ability to make my voice a stronger one every time it gets used. And that it has the power to start dialogue, to encourage other ‘underminers’ to speak up, to shout, to sing, to rant, to yell, to whisper and to laugh. The privilege of those things is too useful and filled with possibility to be smothered while I’m sitting at my desk.

“When I dare to be powerful, to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid” -Audre Lorde

I have been away from my blogging for too long - there was and continues to be so much to say about my trip to India that I was paralyzed at the thought of having to articulate the experience here. I am contemplating a new blog that is specifically about the things that I learned there regarding my family and family history. It is still in its imaginating process so there are no links to reveal.

I slowly made my way through Sen’s The Argumentative Indian (alas, I never finished it and with a new term coming up, I think it might be a few months before I can pick it up again) which I highly recommend.  I was reminded of my upbringing as a Hindu and the Hindu philosophy that stems particularly from the Mahabharata: doing your work.

Here I was all this time wondering why I felt so drawn into Audre Lorde’s words about “doing one’s work”. I’m doing my work, are you doing yours. And in going back to visit my grandparents I was reminded that this way of living is practically hereditary, particularly among the women, in my family. When my grandmother speaks about her arranged marriage (this is a topic I will address in detail in a later post), her remaining in the relationship for over 50 years, she always ends with “but..you have to do your work”. Sometimes this becomes intertwined with “you have to do your duty”. A part of me felt so helpless and suffocated by the concept while I was there - at one point I screamed something about using this phrase as an excuse to not resist the things that oppress us as individuals, as women, as women of color. It took less than a breath to be called out and be reminded that doing one’s work, and sometimes even doing one’s duty, does not remove our agency, and often becomes our outlet to the most resistance we can ever claim to have.

I feel very lonely here, here in the states and here in this small college. I keep writing off the waves of nostalgia and homesickness as an ephemeral phase…but I’m not quite sure if that’s the case. We shall see.

Consistent writing has returned! Hello 2007.