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Thought I needed to put this up on my way out the door because it was just too good.

“Don’t you like her blue dress, Mama?”

I had to admit, I did.

She thought about this. “Then don’t you like her face?”

“Her
face is all right,” I said, noncommittally, though I’m not thrilled to
have my Japanese-Jewish child in thrall to those Aryan features. (And
what the heck are those blue things covering her ears?) “It’s just,
honey, Cinderella doesn’t really do anything.” read the whole story here

Well I’m taking a break from regular blogging until January. I leave this space with this article from the NY Times about the gender pay gap.

Will spend xmas eve at my godmother’s, and xmas day at home. Then off to India for two and a half weeks - no regular computer internet access or personal-blogging-time there.

I shall try to post a couple of times from a cafe somewhere in Bombay, but I can’t be sure. I’m excited about the trip. There is too much to say about it except for that.

Happy holidays loyal readers and newcomers, friends and blogging role models.

When I was younger, I used to make lists in my head of things I wanted to do. Every week or day or hour the career I was set out to pursue changed.

Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately - I’m never quite sure, I still have this habit. I see something on television or meet someone and suddenly I fantasize for days about how amazing it would be to have a particular job. These things vary from the most reasonable to the most unrealistic.

In honor of the approaching new year, I feel at a loss for words but a surge for lists. In a little over a year, I’ll probably go kicking and screaming into the “real world” I have spent years hearing about, but still have yet to become part of. Hopefully a couple of lists will help a little for the coming semester. Anyway - bring on the list!

1. A famous blogger. I know that isn’t really a career or job per-se. But it would be amazing. The reaction many people have to spotting celebrities is the way I feel about famous bloggers who write about race and gender and politics and identity and the media. Newspapers and radio hosts contact them for their opinions, thousands of people visit their blogs daily, they have a huge following. They work on side projects and have podcasts and get hired to speak at the blogher conferences (for those of you who are fans of these bloggers as well, I’m sure you know the people I’m referring to). They put forth their opinions because they have them and because they are so well articulated I want to burst when I read the posts.

I have to point out, that one of the things I need to do in the next couple of months, is figure out what exactly this blog is for. More often than not, it is about my own life - my experiences with racism and sexism, my views on other views. Yet the longer I keep this blog, the more I feel pressure to put forth something that will attract and retain a large audience. I don’t think I’m passionate about one topic enough to focus my blog any more than I have. And that’s fine…I suppose I’ll figure this out in my own time. Continuing on..

2. A talk show host. No I’m serious. How people become talk show hosts I have no idea. I mean, they’re stand up comedians or actors or ex-supermodels or Oprah. So clearly, this is something that would never happen, unless someone one day said “Hey that woman should have a talk show”. And though I’m not an avid watcher of talk shows, I think it would be so much fun to have one. To have that kind of political and social influence in that kind of venue. Yeah. It would be pretty cool. I think I feel that way because I imagine the show to be like blogging. Except it’s on television.

3. A food writer. Both my parents went to culinary school in Bombay, so I’ve grown up around food as an important part of family and culture. I would love to publish one of those books about the history of food. Or a cookbook about my family and Indian food (one of those cookbook narratives). Or write a column for a food magazine about the relationship between politics and food, the implications of fusion food, things like that. To write about literature and food. To write literature about food. Or maybe just…to write..

4. A writer. Seems like South Asians growing up in the USA and Europe are quite the successful writers. I wish I was inspired and had enough talent to write a novel. About something that I have a connection with - an experience that I can understand and a context that I can empathize with. A really great novel that is slowly discovered and then skyrockets straight to Oprah’s book club. Or..something like that.

5. The CEO of a nonprofit organization. I think that one speaks for itself.

6. An event planner. The problem with this is that it in particular goes against so many of my own beliefs about spending exorbitant amounts of money on everything from a white wedding to a charity banquet to a sweet sixteen. Clearly, I could never actually do it. But I would be great at it. And if there was a way to start up a successful event planning company that planned only things like green weddings…well then maybe I’d be interested.

That’s all I can think of. To be honest, the list makes me sound like a complete fool. But there it is. The years-later equivalent of “ballerina. firefighter. president”.

In the next four months what I need to work on is separating what I love from what I’m good at. Because what I am good at doing (planning diversity training) isn’t necessarily something I love (although…I don’t know about diversity training. I guess that would be 7. head of/part of diversity sensitivity training company. It would be exhausting but with the right team and the right method..it would be really amazing. the perfect blend of facilitating, programming, and social change). Separating the things I’m passionate about from skills that I would write in a resume is a lot harder than I thought it would be, but hopefully I’ll figure it out. And soon.

At the end of the day, I can only hope that I’m able to constantly pursue the jobs I love while also taking what I can get to pay the bills along the way.

Everyone should read this post. It’s a rant about a quote. It’s an awful quote. But it is a lovely rant.

I gave up on the Asian vs. South Asian post. I tried writing it so many times and then realized that 1) it makes me too mad to want to write about and 2) I don’t really have any conclusions about it. Since I think about it all the time, I don’t really want to blog about it.

Here’s what I do want to write about.

The Nice Guy. I’ll link here and here before moving on with my own additions and expansions of appearing to be and being a nice guy. Read them, reread them. Lovely things are being said.

I used to think I met a lot of nice guys (just a disclaimer: since I’m about to sarcastically and unforgivingly tear apart the myth of the nice guy, let me just say that i use the term to refer to straight men.). And you know what? I do. I meet nice guys all the time. They are polite, and they open the door for you and they don’t raise their voice or run away when you challenge their views. They are smart and have a good and unsexist sense of humor. They walk their drunk women friends back to their rooms on Saturday nights and don’t take advantage of them.

Ah nice guys. “He’s such a nice guy!”. I hear it all the time. And every time, I also hear the click of the bar being lowered a notch or two - the bar of “nice guy” standards.

Here’s what I’ve learned in the last year. Nice Guys - real nice guys (see links above) are not common. They are very rare. And one of the reasons why this can be hard to figure out is because nice guys often disguise themselves as Nice Guys. nice guys cover the basics - but when it comes to speaking up or owning up to one’s own privilege, that sheep outfit disappears to reveal the wolf of male-privilege.

They’re still speaking over women. They’re still reaping the benefits of being charming. They’re playing the nice guy card so that they can cruise on through life without being called out.

Is it a start? Yes. Is it awesome?

Nope.

Ah charming nice guys. Ever met a cng? Oh yea, they’re real interesting - they listen well and they don’t patronize you and they ask questions. But underneath it all they are still socialized the same way as the assholes.

It’s easier to think about when we talk about race, I think. Beverly Tatum talks about the moving walkway - and how we continue to think about this walkway in a binary. Some people walk in the direction of racism (active racists, individual racists) and others just stand there. The people standing there think they are resisting racism, because “I’m not racist! I have a black friend!” or other ridiculous white guilt/defensive comments. But really, as Tatum articulates, there is a third category, the group of people who are walking against the direction of the moving walkway, thus actively and consistantly challenging and resisting institutional racism. The passive people twiddling their thumbs towards racism are still benefiting from it.

In my experience, with gender, it seems more complicated, or more difficult to understand this. Actually, I retract that statement. It isn’t that it seems more difficult. It’s just the people that I spend time around are mostly people or color or actively anti-racist white people who understand their privilege. So, race seems to be an “easier” thing to grasp than gender. Oh but patriarchy and male privilege work the same way, don’t they. nice guys passively standing around on the moving walkway, handing gatorade to the women who are running against it. When there are so many passive standers, who can blame women for thinking that’s all there is? And to be honest, I don’t think that women think that’s all there is. It’s just who can wait around for something that exists in such rarity? There are other factors, other experiences, other situations, that make those standers seem like runners. And that’s ok, in a way. That’s something I can’t really argue with.

But for those of us who are in a place where we can constantly and actively run against patriarchy and sexism, and be outspoken activists about it, I think it’s more than necessary to knock a few nice guys down in order for them to realize where things are headed.

The thing I hate the most is nice guys who appear nice because they say nothing at all. They appear to be progressive because they don’t argue for or against anything. Everything’s fine and good and mediocre. Nothing lights their flame of anger and outrage because those nice guys can afford to warm their hands against other people’s fires when and how they want to. Women cannot afford to just stop. There’s no on and off switch for the people who do not benefit from privilege. But at the heart of it, that’s what privilege is, isn’t it? Being able to stop running against the grain whenever you get tired. We all do it, with our respective privileges. All we can hope to do is remember what it means for us to be able to rest and then start running again, next to the people who can never stop. And then hit a point where we can go from nice to Nice. yup.

This is such an interesting post and I really enjoyed reading the dialogue that followed in the comments.

I told myself I would write a post a day until I left for India, but unfortunately I’m still working on a draft. About “Asian”. and “South Asian”. And what I think.

I baked cookies again today. ‘Tis the season!

I rarely fall in love with any kind of television series. But after sitting through one episode of The Office (US), I was hooked. I spent many hours during the tail end of the semester watching every episode, and I have to say, it is one of the few, if not only shows on television, that I recommend or talk about with anybody. What could possibly motivate me to write a blog post about a television series without tearing it apart? The following (In no particular order…actually, maybe that isn’t true):

1. Great cast, great comedic timing…The Office has all the elements for a smart and laugh-out-loud series. Its mockumentary style teamed up with those subtle and dialogue-less tensions makes me squirm in my seat or laugh until I fall off of it.

2. JAM. I was never a fan of the will-they-won’t-they plotlines from Friends (actually, that’s the least of my problems with that show, but I doubt that needs any explanation) or Scrubs. It gets old and fast. But the relationship between Jim and Pam is…hell, I’ll say it. Addictive. Those private interviews with the camera, those awkward pauses and miscommunications, those sad stares from across the office…I can wallow in the tension. Granted, I’m a sucker for characters such as Jim, who have a dry sense of humor and unacknowledged compassion. I’ve even a place in my heart for the plain personalitied Pam who dreams of terraces and is close to her mother. Together, they are a match made in heaven, regardless of their relationship status.

3. Kelly Kapoor. Sarah wrote a post about her kudos to Kelly, so I won’t go into much more about her. But actress, producer, and writer Mindy Kaling is pretty awesome, and it’s great to see her face on television and her name roll through the credits for multiple reasons. Actually, East West magazine recently listed her as one of the top 10 people to look out for in 2007. She’s written a few episodes of The Office, besides “Diwali”, and you know what? She’s good at what she does. Kaling’s writing is a perfect blend of social commentary, humor and wit. And this isn’t new: she wrote a comic strip titled “Badly Drawn Girl” at Dartmouth (where she graduated in 2001) that addressed climate of the campus. I’d be so interested to find and read it..

4. The content. Racism, sexism, homophobia..all with a figurative (and sometimes even literal) wink to the camera. Why? Because it’s real. Because bosses, management…people…do point to token racial minorities and laugh at queerness and don’t defend women when they are being called stupid. Because we do hear the occasional “I think 1 billion asians would beg to differ” equivalant and the constant attempts to be culturally sensitive only to end up revealing ignorance and privilege. The seemingly extreme racist/sexist/homophobic remarks in the show are the kinds that we can only respond to with a shake of the head, a scream-turned-laugh, and a silent open mouth. And for those of us who recognize the problematic from miles away, and furthermore, who have been in these situations (eg. having someone mock an Indian accent for you…because..they think you’ll find it funny?)…we can sit together and produce the same half smile and raised eyebrows that most of the characters do in a sort of communal empathy. Social commentary can and should appear in all forms, and it’s nice to take a break from textbook or often-overwhelming personal experience and channel our anger about marginalization, tokenism, and oppression into a cleverly written, and perhaps all-too-realistic, 20 minute episode.

Update (12.20.06): I just found this over at Racialicious and I think it’s a really great commentary on the latest Office episode. If you have never seen the show, do NOT watch that episode first. It definitely was not one of the smartest.

I have this fond memory of being at the Embarcadero with a great friend - she made this joke about staying in touch with friends based on what they could do for you in the future. A friend to help with your accounts. A friend who can get you into publishing. A friend who paints. A friend who provides free childcare because they love babies so much. Etc.

I extend this joke into my personal mindset about friendship. Friendship is a pie-chart for me. Each “pie slice” is something that I look for in a friendship. Friendship qualifications, if you will. For example, the ability to listen well. To speak about privilege, power, marginalization, and everything in between, both academically and personally. To have shared/similar personal experiences. To be reliable and consistent. To respect themselves and me. To love sipping tea at midnight over long conversations. To love going out and laughing for hours. Etc.

There was a time where I secretly wanted every friend to cover the entire pie-chart. And this is not to say that my friendship standards have decreased - I think they have just become more realistic, as circumstances changed. Friends that I kept in touch with since middle school, for example, have not necessarily been able to handle my transition through college very well. We avoid talk of race, feminism, and class, at all costs. Or maybe only I do. I don’t quite know. At some point I came to a crossroads where I had to choose between pie slices: do I filter my rants about white privilege and patriarchy in order to maintain a friendship that I have had for almost a decade? Yes. For as long as I can without it becoming overwhelming and unfair, yes.

I arrived at another crossroads recently, in regards to the pie-chart-friendship-reevaluation. And it happened this fall, when I was forced to ask myself “Is it possible for me to be friends with and maintain friendships with men?”

The women in my life are strong support systems. Most of them are self identified women of color. They are friends, family members, co-workers, pseudo-sisters. They have seen me at my best and worst and have helped me feel the most protected when I feel incredibly unsafe.

But the men in my life…are few and far between. I wish I could say that I put in the effort to stay friends with the few men who are somewhat reliable, and do not write me off as a far-too-vocal-maneater, because they are wonderful people who care about me. And they are and they do. But the real reason I feel so attached to those few-and-far-between men is because the voice of socialization tells me that if I lose the men in my life…then the myths about the angry-brown-woman are true. The maneater cannot curb her appetite for anyone - she cannot reconcile her beliefs about patriarchy and gender and still have male friends.

I’ve been lucky to have found friends who cover multiple sections of the pie. And I’ve even been blessed to know someone who can fluidly move between all the sections. But perhaps the most important thing is that the pie-chart works for me. It enables me to be honest and loving while still knowing the limitations of each friendship. It keeps me from having expectations that cannot possibly be met and politely informs me of when someone has faded out of the chart altogether…be it because of circumstances or timing.

Perhaps one day I will write about the ground I may cover in other people’s charts.

70 pages, much needed coffee, a few late nights, goodbyes for 9-months, and a flight later, I am home.

Home sweet home.

Since my brain is not in the state to think - not until I’ve slept for more than 6 hours at least - I’ve been sitting at my computer watching old boy meets world reruns. I used to be a big fan.

In any case, I watched the prom episode. You know how people always talk about going back and doing things over? Prom is one of those few superficial things that I used to wish that I could do over.

It was horrible. Bad location, bad music, unnecessary drama. I was fighting with the friends I went with, they told me I was a bad friend, and I was in a long-distance verbally abusive relationship that I couldn’t seem to end.

I hate to admit that my expectations about prom came from shows like boy meets world. But there it is. I thought that my senior prom would involve some amazing boy who swept me off my feet and who my father grilled as I walked out the door. There would be a limo and a corsage and amazing after parties. But it was none of those things.

Looking back, I realize that it isn’t prom that I would have changed - I absolutely can’t imagine it being anything else because it suggests that so many other things would have to be different. Namely the things I listed above. Particularly the part about the friends and the relationship.

I don’t think I’m going to be the kind of person who ever goes to formal dances and has the time of her life. I love the process of getting all dressed up once in a while and being with great friends..but there’s just never going to be a movie-esque night, unless it ends in taking care of a friend, or changing into pajamas at 11 and watching a movie alone. It’s ok, I think. I don’t know if it is because I’m not a woman from a movie (read: white-rich-attractive-apolitical) or because in my heart of hearts, I know that this isn’t really what I’m after. It’s probably a bit of both.

The truth is, I like to be on my own quite a bit. I like curling up with books and watching reruns of television shows. I love taking up all the space in my bed and not having to coordinate my schedule with anyone. I like waking up at home when both my parents are off at work and making a giant breakfast for one. I’m learning to separate alone from lonely - and perhaps my experience with companionship has never let me enjoy ‘breakfast-for-two’. I think I’m becoming more accepting of that. It happened. It’s over. We learn to move on.

When I was a sophomore in college I talked to a first-year about what she did over prom. Her friends went to Santa Cruz for the weekend. I remember my head clouding with envy at the thought of being with good friends in a space that felt safe and comfortable and did not involve outrageous prices and expectations.

What is the point of this post? Well, there are two points actually. First, because I’m a little rusty on the blog posting and there is so much to say that I just need to post about everything - from the most personal and random to the most outspoken and political. Second, because what I really regret about prom is that it existed at all and that my skewed notions of what it should be came from the media, and magazines, and normative ideals that don’t apply to many young women who are privileged in so many ways let alone introverted, secretly angry, brown teenagers.

I’m off to decorate cookies! And will write again, I’m sure, tonight.

So, today NPR’s “The World” did a segment on the Diwali Barbie. And I’m in it! That isn’t really what is exciting.

This is though. Inderpal Grewal is interviewed. I just finished writing a paper that cites her about 50 times! It was so awesome. I’m totally smitten with her work.

I feel so special I just want to hug my computer.

I was having a kind of day (this happens frequently when I’m feeling stressed) where I was beating myself up over wanting to be affirmed by people around me - people I love but don’t necessarily respect. That is to say, I don’t necessarily respect their politics. Yet I still seek their approval. And I was so angry about it - so unable to let that go.

And then I saw the link and I just felt so empowered and honored to be alongside such awesome bloggers and feminists and professors. It was just what I needed to get through the next couple of weeks - I miss writing in this and I’m sorry I haven’t recently.